It is fascinating watching Arianna slowly piece together her world-view. Watching her language devopment from babbling, to learning baby signs, then learning words, to learning phrases and whole sentences. At the same time, she is developing concepts one step at a time. She learns that dogs can be big or small, thin or fat, golden retrievers or poodles, and some might even have 3 legs instead of four; she also learns that dogs are a little different than foxes and wolves. This concept of dog is created through observing and discussing thousands of examples that she sees on walks outside, or in books.
I have realized that if Rebecca and I were not able to spend a lot of time with Arianna, if we both had to work full time and Arianna spent 40 hours plus in day care every week we would miss seeing all the small individual steps that it is taking for her to create her worldview. Her learning process is a wonderful and amazing process. The attachment parenting approach has allowed me to share in the process.
Now that Arianna is a toddler I have been fascinated to watch her emotional development unfold in the same incremental fashion. I think I have always taken my emotions for granted, thinking they are just a part of being human. But in watching Arianna develop I am realizing that emotions are learned just like language and physical skills.
A few days ago I was walking with Arianna riding on my back in an Ergo like carrier that Rebecca made. When we passed a tree we heard a "caw, caw" from the top. Arianna said "crow bird." (She is learning that there are different types of birds that each make different sounds). I said "yes, what sound does the crow make". "Caw, caw" she said. The crows then became quiet. I was hoping to encourage them to talk more, so I cupped my hands and said loudly "caw, caw." This startled the crows and they flew away. I said, "Oh, no. Daddy scared the crows." Arianna cried and said, "Hug them."
Arianna often gets scared by noises in our apartment, and she always feels comforted by hugs from Mommy or Daddy. She was upset because the crows were scared, and wanted to offer them the same comfort. This empathy was surprising to me because I remember reading that kids under the age of 4-5 are inherently egocentric and can't really understand how another being feels.
I think that this common view is a simplification. Arianna is not completely egocentric. She is just now beginning to learn that other beings have feelings - a crow can feel scared just like she can. But she has not yet learned that the crow may be comforted in different ways. She has a very simple empathy that will develop in complexity over time.
Over the years, through thousands of experiences and conversations she will learn to understand how other people feel and respond to those feelings in ways that will comfort them. Her emotional development is dependent on the experiences she has, and the people who model for her. She also needs to have strong connections with people who are there to respond to her emotions, and discuss behaviors she observes.
I believe that attachment parenting, or listening to your child and responding sensitively to her needs, models this kind of empathy from day one and is critical if we want our children to become caring adults.
Andrew